I
have dealt with depression since second grade.
Sadness
lingers with me and sometimes I want to die. Around friends I feel like I am in
the way and do not fit in, around family I feel lonely. I lose focus of how
vast life is, thinking only of my fears, problems, and pain. I become black hole
of sorrow, sucking in all that is good, and then spitting it into the darkness.
I
am not proud of my self-pity and the emotional instability I experience. I
withdraw from the world pushing away friends and family.
My
family is caring, but they have never understood what I was going through. My
sadness made them uncomfortable, so it was treated like a phase I would grow
out of. I never got professional help as a youth, and had to figure out how to
deal with depression on my own, which involved large amounts of alcohol,
starting at age 12 and lasting until I was 25 years old. I grew up quick and felt
alone. There was plenty of sadness in my life.
Friends,
family, artists, people of Wal-Mart and the whole human race excite me, but I
have never felt that I fit in with any of it. Depression causes me to shove healthy
thoughts over the god damned edge, to drown in the sea below. They reemerge
with time, and I welcome the happiness back, until darkness falls and I kick my
smiles to the curb again.
Writing
about my depression is tough, it is not something I enjoy sharing. I never want
anyone to have to feel the way I do, and I do not want to bring anybody down.
Irrationally I fear that my depression will spread like a disease, and
chronicling my feelings feels selfish, because I know that there are others
that suffer a lot more in the world. I know people that are living through
hardships now, and have had two close friends commit suicide.
My
entire life predicated on working hard and starting a family. I wanted children
bad, wanting to give someone the time and attention that I had missed out on
growing up. I wanted to watch part of me grow and become its own entity, maybe changing
the world for the better. I wanted to do this with my best friend, biggest supporter,
and Wife, Katy.
Having
a family was my only dream.
I
worked hard to help Katy through nursing school. We waited until she graduated
before trying to start having children. She was not becoming pregnant, and then
her appendix burst one day (not from doing “it”) and she had to be hospitalized.
The appendicitis incident set us back another year. From there, trying to have
children became problematic.
My
wife and I did artificial insemination twice, in vitro fertilization twice with
my wife’s eggs, and twice with donor eggs. We had our hearts ripped out six
times. There were storms of tears after each result. The saddest time in my
life was shortly after the last IVF, and I have not gotten over it.
I
was living out my worst nightmare. Depression blasted back into my life. Years
of grueling factory work, to become financially stable and bring a child into
the world, were wasted. I resented my wife for waiting to start a family, but
none of this was her fault. Katy is the most wonderful person I know and not being
able to help her, made me feel helpless.
Helplessness
led to anger, anger led to sadness. The Universe despised me and I hated it. I
wanted to die, and felt like my loved ones would be better off if I was not
around being all sad and shit.
I
cut myself off from the world, quit most physical activity, cried, and thought
of ways to kill myself without making too big of a mess. Every day for a year
and a half, I woke up crying because I was awake. Uncontrollable sadness
fucking sucks.
My
wife and I fought a lot, I stopped going to family functions, like Thanksgiving,
and lost most of my friends by not being a good friend to them.
Eventually,
after unsuccessfully talking myself into suicide for more than a year, and sick
of feeling terrible about life, I decided to seek help. I was drowning in my
wretched thoughts of self-harm. I needed to feel happy, or at least content with
life. Katy deserved a better husband, and stable relationship. Living life had
to become my main goal, and it did.
I
still deal with depression, but life is better now. My wife and I are still in
love, my family plays a larger role in life, and I am trying to make friends.
As a full time student, life is grand. I get to learn new things every day, and
I kind of get to live outside society’s rules, like a happy outlaw.
The
key was asking for help. It was not an easy thing to do. Opening up your soul
and revealing personal demons to a stranger takes getting used to, but I am
thankful for doing so. Life is still challenging, but I am learning new ways to
approach the challenges it now throws smack into my face, and that is okay.
Today I see a doctor once a week, take
medication for anxiety, ADHD, and bi-polar depression. I am learning to deal
with problems, losses, and life, through behavioral therapy. I am not100%
better, but am working hard to get there. This is the first time in my life
that I can visualize a better future for myself and Katy.
Anyone
reading this that may feel suicidal or uncomfortably depressed, there are people
that will help you. Talk to a doctor, ask for help, and let someone know what
you are going through. Life is worth living.
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
1
(800) 273-8255
Hours:
24 hours, 7 days a week
Languages:
English, Spanish
Website: www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org
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